On my own

With the passing of my 6 week appointment, another milestone occurred. It was time for my Mom to leave. Normally my Mom spends the winter in FL and the summer in NJ (as is required for people from the NY metro area over 60. As one friend put it, the police arrive and say – sir, put down the snow shovel. You’re coming with us. And then they put them on a plane to the beach.). This year with the baby arriving in February, she’d headed to FL right after Christmas for about a month before returning to NJ. She’d gotten there a couple of weeks before the baby was due (in driving distance in case a mad dash was required) and then had come to stay with us a few days before my due date. When she arrived, it wasn’t really clear how long she’d stay in the area (with us, my in laws, my brother). She thought she might go back to NJ for a couple of weeks until the baptism. Or maybe if the baptism was later, go to FL first and fly back. But she’d wound up staying the whole time – and mostly staying with us, not even flinching at sleeping on an air mattress in our dining room (under our dining room table as my husband likes to put it, though that’s not actually true) for a chance to be near her first grandchild.

Spending nearly 2 months with us was probably a bit of a struggle for my husband. OK, no probably. It was. To be fair, whenever he had more than a couple of days in a row off, she relocated to my brother’s – that just hadn’t been happening all that often. (And it’s about to get rarer, as we just realized he has to finish 120 clinical hours in addition to his shifts in the next 6 weeks… ugh). What’s funny is – it was a bit of a struggle for me to be in such close quarters with my Mom before the baby arrived, but since her birth, it’s really been a great help. Besides helping with laundry and cooking, it’s really helped keep loneliness at bay when my husband is working and I’d otherwise be trying to figure out what to do in a world with no adult company. It’s only been in the last few days that I’ve even started to notice any of those little annoyances that happen when you’ve been living with your parents again as an adult. But I’ve sort of smiled to myself at them – as maybe it means I’m ready.

And then my Mom left. She got in her car to go meet my brother so he could drive with her to Florida. And I’m not ready. I’m not. What was I thinking? I feel so alone right now. My husband is working now and has class tonight, so he won’t be home till late and then has to be up early for another shift tomorrow and it sucks. The baby started crying again shortly after she left (it’s her hungry time of day) and I was crying too – thinking you want your Mommy? Well, I want my Mommy too! Don’t worry I got over that level of tantrum quickly enough and figured at least one of us could get what we wanted. And I guess I should be almost used to my crazy crying for no reason – although I haven’t done so much of that since the first few weeks.

I think it’s extra hard because I’m still not really decided about the work situation. Am I going back? If not, this time here – this time where I’m crying and have no adult company and can’t quite figure out what I’m doing with myself. This is my life. Or if I am, why am I not relishing and cherishing this time so much more?