Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Deciding about work

I don’t even know what to write / where to start here, as this one has been impossible. The truth is that I don’t really like my job all that much. I don’t enjoy going there and feel fulfilled. But I’ve had a job of some sort since I was about 12. I don’t know if I know how to not work – to not contribute (financially) to our family – especially as it always seems that there’s not enough money. I’m also not entirely sure how to define myself without a job (ironic that I seem to prefer to define myself by a job that I don’t like). Without a job, more than stay at home mom, do I become housewife? Already our, shall we say different styles of housekeeping?, can cause tensions in our life. (I have been known to ask if the 5 pairs of shoes left strewn from the front door, through the living room and then pointing into the kitchen from the dining room are actually meant as a trail for me to follow.)

This one has been keeping me up at night. My husband has tried to be supportive, but also really doesn’t want to send the baby to daycare, so he’s supportive, but drawing lines. He’s said that he’s happy to take on whatever else is needed for me to be able to stay at home (so that he’ll never be home and my loneliness at the lack of adult contact will takeover) and that he’ll support my decision – but that he thinks it’s “stupid” to send the baby to daycare (a big part of this is the cost – it seems like it would cost most of his salary. Not most of mine as I make a lot more than he does, but then again he loves his job and like going to work there and I don’t.). I feel painted into a corner. What’s killing me is – when I got pregnant, one of the big pluses seemed like the fact that I could quit my job! Where did that person go?

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