Wednesday, August 12, 2009

The first day back to work

Much as I dreaded it, time passed and it’s time to go back to work. I managed to hold back my tears through most of the vacation (though really the date has loomed in my head for several weeks now filling me with dread). I couldn’t hold them back last night though. I held her as she fell asleep – knowing that I wouldn’t get to be with her all day tomorrow and feeling awful. I couldn’t stop myself from crying (probably didn’t help that it was Mother’s Day). Part of me thought – how could I do this to her? But a bigger part of me knew / knows that she’s well cared for and the one this is “done to” is me. I just selfishly want to be with her. (We’re very lucky that she doesn’t have to go to daycare – I’m working from home 2 days a week when my husband is at work. When he gets held over, his Mom can fill in for us. I can’t imagine how hard it is for people who do have to drop their tiny babies at daycare the first day – and have no transition period of days at home.)

I cried again this morning, but finally made it out the door. I was just about pulling it together when my friend texted me to ask how I was doing. I lost it again. The worst part was when I looked in the rearview mirror and saw her baby mirror with no baby looking back at me. I’ve barely driven anywhere without her and it just broke my heart. I spent the rest of the drive trying to avoid looking at traffic behind me lest I catch sight of that again.

I finally made it to the office and was reasonably pulled together when I ran into my colleague who asked how I felt about being back. I tried to put on a good face and quip, “oh just happy to be here,” but she looked at me like I was nuts and said – “you’re HAPPY to be here?” Well, no! Ugh…

I made it through the day, but started crying on the way home again. I just couldn’t help thinking – today is gone. I lost it – truly, I wasted it. I’ll never get it back. I know I said I’d try to wait a couple of weeks to make any decision, but I think my heart is decided. This is so hard. I know it will get easier, but it’s so hard.

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