Monday, November 16, 2009

I feel like someone put Xanax in my Cornflakes

It’s Xanax, I mean, right? I feel all jittery and displaced and unsettled? I have no idea why. OK, the lack of sleep last night didn’t help – but then again, I didn’t sleep because I felt all jittery – so I’m thinking it’s more a symptom than a cause. What’s even weirder about my title – I had Cheerios for breakfast…

Anyway, in my complete brilliance, I was sitting at the office this morning, feeling all jittery and decided that I needed something. Something. I don’t know what – something. I probably just needed to do something with my hands… Anyway, I decided I really wanted a cup of coffee. Before you jump to conclusions, it was my intention to brew up some decaf. There is never decaf in the breakroom (and I feel like a complete tool brewing a whole pot of it thereby taking up a valuable pot, i.e. caffeine source, from others in the office), so I’ve got a little personal brewer on my desk. But I was out of coffee pods for my personal brewer. So I decided to grab a bag of decaf from the breakroom and use that instead (yes, the coffee pot does have a grounds option rather than a pods – this is not the stupid part yet). Except there was no decaf in the breakroom! None. Nowhere to be found. We’re all meant to be hyped up on caffeine all day! I find this strange as there was some last time I checked (it might have been awhile ago). And no one ever uses it. So where did it go? It got lonely and a complex because no one wants it and it ran anyway?

This left me with no decaf options. So I figured a little regular won’t kill me, right? I mean, I really want some coffee. I’ll just do about a third of a cup coffee, mostly hot water and then creamer (I had some French vanilla creamer in the fridge that was calling to me). Except I think my ratios were off. It’s about a third coffee, a third creamer and a third hot water.

So I felt off and unsettled and odd and jittery and therefore decided to introduce caffeine (keep in mind I stopped drinking regular coffee about a year and a half ago when the doctor suggested that caffeine was associated with early miscarriage) and a whole bunch of sugar. Oh hell yes!

The only potential bright side to this bit of great thinking is that both those things should lead to a HUGE ASS crash after they wear off. So maybe, just maybe if I can ever get over the jittery feeling, I’ll move on to zombie-ish. I’m thinking this will probably happen during a meeting with my boss… But that might be better than my current state in a meeting with my boss as I’m barely able to sit still. Always the sign of a good employee –totally on the go and always moving shows I’m working hard, right? Yeah, that won’t look like total ADD at my desk job. Hmm… I’ve heard of adult onset ADD – I just never really figured the onset was quite so quick – like overnight I go from able to focus to walking along, mid-thought and – SQUIRREL! I haven’t actually seen Up yet, but that part was in the preview – where the dog has a device that is able to translate his thoughts into words. He’s explaining this and mid-sentence his head flashes to the side, he yells SQUIRREL! And then comes back to the conversation. That’s what I’m feeling like. Like my Labrador-beagle. Only possibly less focused. (Usually I only feel like him in my desire to sleep 18 hours a day.)

Maybe I’ve got my drugs wrong and what I should have said is I feel like someone should have put Xanax in my Cornflakes. But, of course, I ate the Cheerios, so I’d still be screwed.

1 comment:

  1. Yikes! I'm not a coffee drinker but I can imagine!

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