The verdict is in. We are truly suburban and yuppies. Buy me an SUV and call me a soccer mom. Yes, it’s true – we joined Costco. My condiments will now be purchased in buckets – would you like a side of ketchup with your fries? My basement, which seemed so spacious, will now be FILLED with enough paper products and canned goods to be considered a fall out shelter (dang – if only it had that stupid rough in!).
The problem with joining Costco, aside from having to buy things in such bulk that there’s no way your tastes won’t have changed before you finish the package; and the fact that cheap gas comes at the price of 1970’s style gas lines that make us late for everything; oh, and the fact that people are just exceedingly stupid anywhere near that store / parking lot! The place is always full – full of the least patient, dumbest, lowest driving skill people around. Aside from all that, the problem with joining Costco is the “food court.” I know it’s not really a food court. It’s a small counter where they sell a total of about 6 food items – but they sell them SO cheaply. Where else can we go and have lunch together for under $5 – total! Actually, I get all high falutin’ and want the burger and fries instead of the hot dog, so our bill sometimes heads towards $6 – this is my high rollin’ old school city ways coming out. We are becoming regulars there – which I don’t think speaks well of us… But even that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that for $1.35 I can get a vat of fat free ice cream. And see, the thing is, I’m beginning to think that that’s a serving size. There’s enough ice cream in this cup to satisfy a family of 4 on a 90 degree day in Disney – but it’s an individual serving! And it’s fat free! Heck, I am being healthy there! It’s not like I bought the hand dipped ice cream on a stick – so big that I wonder what sort of reinforced metal that stick must be made of to support its weight (this is cold war technology at work!). Of course, when I do in fact buy that one, I am able to offset its lack of fat free-ness with the work out I get raising the thing to my mouth. So it all works out.
So yes, this is my suburban life. The frequent trips to Costco for ice cream – and hey, while I’m here, why not buy a lifetime’s supply of canned fruit and, I don’t know, lawn furniture – and home repairs.
Do you think my daughter can make it through her whole first year without deciding that I am totally uncool with the air of ennui and disdain usually reserved for 12 year olds?