Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Dating and the married mom, part II

When last we left me, I had done the “pick up line” meeting of moms with somewhat limited success (only one response – but from a really nice woman!).

But before jumping into my Mom version of 8 minute dating – why am I calling all this dating? My inspiration came from a friend of mine, who, as it happens, is single and doesn’t have kids. She said to me awhile ago that female adult friendships feel like trying to ask out the cute guy in high school. They feel a little like a minefield and seem harder than regular dating. She was talking about a neighbor who joked that she’d made a coffee date with this woman she’d recently met and was considering whether to take that further to a dinner date – after she saw how it went. Seriously, though, I totally got what she meant. If you’re single and meet a guy (I’m not saying that’s always easy!) and hit it off, you exchange numbers and often this will be followed up with conversations / actual meetings / etc. It may not become a relationship – you may just be friends. But it seems like there’s a pathway to follow. When you want to make new female friendships, the pathway seems so much more obscured. We’ve hung out at a party, we’ve hit it off – how do I ask for her number? It seems the only way that info is exchanged is if there’s something specific you’ve both mentioned an interest (hey, can you send me the info on where you ordered that [thing that is more complex than clothes because couldn’t you just tell me that now]? Or hey, I’ll find out about that event you mentioned and send you stuff.). It’s really hard to just say – hey, you’re a cool person. I’ve enjoyed talking to you. Maybe we could hang out again sometime. Is it just hard for me?

I don’t know – it’s somehow not in our path. I mean, it’s sometimes awkward in dating situations too, but … I don’t know, I kind of feel like we know where it’s going. If I’ve been talking to a guy at a party all evening – the number exchange is obvious. Society is set up around dating (or the dating concept). OK, the more I say – the more this may just be me. But it still feels like – other moms have their own set up already and may not “need” the friendship the way I do. So it feels awkward to me. As the desperate one.

Anyway, I’ve highlighted my social awkwardness too long. Let’s move on to coworkers. This one works about the same as my church stalking did. There were those women I used to always see in the bathroom at the same time when I was pregnant (because wasn’t I always in the bathroom?!) – we’d chat. How far along are you? What are you having? I was due a few months before my most frequent bathroom buddy (a woman having twins due 3 months after my daughter), so she was out when I came back from maternity leave, but I caught up with her when she came back.

I started with a few casual questions about her kids. Oh, send pictures! Where do you – get their photos done / take them to the doctor / etc.? How was your delivery? And then one day said – you know, we’re always so truncated in these conversations, we should have lunch some time.

So we did. And it was fun. But then… that was that. And the truth is – I don’t really want a weekday lunch buddy. I don’t want to go out too often (for money and calories) and we’ve been really lucky in our recent move that I live extremely close to my office now – so close that I can, in fact, go home and see my little munchkin at lunchtime. And she’s hard to compete with!

Attempt 2 – mostly a bust. A nice person who I really enjoyed having lunch with, but it was unlikely our schedules would ever synch up for ongoing friendships.

Another attempt has been the neighborhood. In our condo, I’d take the dog for walks with the baby in bjorn as often as I could. And one day I saw another mom with twin girls just a few weeks older than my daughter. She and her husband each had a baby in a bjorn and a friend was walking their (very big!) dog. She mentioned that she’d seen me pass her place several times and always wanted to say hi, so we’d get together but always seemed to have AT LEAST one hand full. Well perfect! Someone right in the neighborhood! We didn’t have pens/paper, but we pointed out (generally) where we lived and she promised she’d at least yell out next time she saw me passing.

The dog got more exercise than he had in months! I was a dog walking demon. Stalking the area where I knew her place was every day (it’s a wonder they didn’t take out a restraining order). But nada. Was it because I was the crazy lady who stood outside their door every day (ok, really, I didn’t. I just walked by most days – which I’d pretty much been doing before. Sort of.)? Or had she just found other friends?

Desperation gets 2 points here and dignity a -7.

I’ve had a little more luck in our new neighborhood – sort of. One neighbor with 2 little girls a little older than mine (and a son in school) did pass on her contact info – but then didn’t respond to my email. I’m still debating how far into deficit I should go on dignity points to email her again.

Hmm… well, it looks like I’ll need a part 3 for community events and the mom’s groups 8 minute dating (my peak into mom cliques).

So I guess I’ll leave the prompt as what are your mom dating recommendations and the funniest / most desperate things you did in an attempt to meet other moms? Hopefully my last post will consolidate the list… but I probably shouldn’t make promises!


  1. I know what you mean! I have started going to a mommy & me book class with lil man & the minute I walked in the door, it was like "well, she's new." all the moms broke off into their little groups. I've met one or two nice ladies, but it won't be something that will go beyond the baby book class. It's weird, your right. I always try to talk to other moms at the park or in the nieghborhood, but people just don't seem interested in branching out beyond their own group. So I move on. I was the first of all my girlfriends to get married. Now they are all married & I was the first to get pregnant & have a baby. So they are all still doing the easy, single couple thing with no kiddos. That's why I started blogging-and I have found some awesome women to talk to. Too bad none of us live in the same town! Great Post today! Got me thinking!!!

  2. I started blogging for teh same reason--meeting other moms in my town is just so difficult. The other added dimension is that my town is a college town and if you make a friend chances are they will be moving in a year or so when they oir hubby finishes school. Blogging gives me people to talk to on a consistent basis.

  3. Thanks for the comment on http://silhouettegraphic.blogspot.com
    I feel ya about not having the budget for a great camera, but I contemplated the Nikon D3000 before spending a chunk of my tax return on it and it was one of the best investments I have ever made. It was a lot to pay, but I shopped around a lot before buying and got it for only $450 on Amazon at the time. With my last digital everything was either grainy or blurry. Oh, and I think http://www.epiphaniebags.com/#/front-page-1/ is having a giveaway for a camera?? (i think i read that somewhere)... :)

  4. I am SO with you...and I always feel like I'm the one who wants to be friends and the other mom thinks I'm a weirdo. I kept running in to the same gal when I was pregnant - we had the same doctor, went to the same massage therapist, and finally went to the same birthing class. Our husbands chatted about football, we talked about fears of delivery, I thought it was a match made in heaven. But then, we got to our cars, and drove off in seperate directions. A few weeks later my doctor mentioned that they had a little boy and were doing well.

    I'm thinking, though, that I'm going to have better luck when Grace starts gymnastics/soccer/dance/swim etc. That's my plan. ;)

  5. I like being friends with Mom's. Mom's are fun. Just ask my wife. She'll tell ya.

  6. This is funny because I can totally relate as I embark on making new friends in my next phase of my life.

  7. Thanks so much for visiting me on my SITS Day! I am finally getting the chance to meet and greet the fabulous ladies who showed some love for me. Hope to see you at Theta Mom again! :)


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